Surviving August 1st

I survived August 1st. I am still breathing, I didn't do anything stupid, and I didn't even shed another tear after the evening of July 31st while I was talking to a friend through text messages. "No matter how much you cry, he's not coming back. Face it...!" And that was the beginning of long text messages and enormous amount of tears.

Sarah said in her comments a few weeks back that it's the season for me to grieve. "Weep, cry now my dear, grieve all you can... It's the season for it..." But I guess the grieving season for me was that evening of July 31st. I cried all my heart out. For some reasons I keep asking myself why the sun still shines the same as it did yesterday, and why I still have to get up and walk again every single morning. And I cannot stop wondering whether the sun is still going to shine tomorrow morning, the morning of August 1st.

I cannot understand why I had to fall in love with a man who eventually rejected me and never considered me worthy. And I cannot understand why I can never picture being with another man. It's not that I need men. I need him. I need his strength, his support, his presence. I need him, not any other men.

I realize that I am someone with a photographic memory. I picture everything clearly in my head. And of course, that makes things far more difficult and painful. I can still remember what it was like to be in his arms. I can still remember what it feels like to lean on his shoulder, to feel his strength whenever I was weak. I can't omit the sense of safety I always feel being held by him. I still remember what it feels like. And I still remember our first and our last kiss, down to every moment and every detail of it, with the conversation that follows, along with so many others in between for the last few months we were together. I still remember the tears we shed for one another. And I still remember how it feels like just to be with him. Whenever those thought come to mind, I fall in love him all over again. And that ached so much that I literally couldn't breathe.

Many months back, a very dear friend of mine said, "Three years is more than enough my dear, let him go..." And this time, when I asked her why the sun still shines and why I still have to face the world no matter how much I don't want to, she said, "Sis, if the sun still shines, it means that there is still hope, hope for better days ahead. And if you are still allowed to see the sun shines, it just confirms that with the hope you can rise up and walk once again..."

As I ponder on those words, I keep questioning myself on where I went wrong. Did I love him enough? Did I sacrifice enough? Was I being submissive enough? Or was I being too uncompromising? I don't know. And I guess it's best for me not to know. But of course those 'what if's kept coming and coming and coming. And I slept that night with tears in my eyes.

I woke up the next morning with my eyes swollen like a walnut, which is understandable knowing how extensively I cried the night before. And not to my expectations, the sun did shine. It wasn't even cold, or gloomy or cloudy. It was bright and warm. Is this the sign of hope, just like what my friend said last night? Maybe. And I guess for the first time ever in months I notice the warmth of the sunshine. And as I look back, I started to recall that the past couple of years of my life has been a miracle. It is a miracle how I survived my days after my break up. It was a miracle how I can go through another day and can still function relatively OK at the office, dealing with the students and dealing with my colleagues. Every single day was a miracle. And this one particular day is no exception. If I have lived through miracles for the past couple of years, there is a good reason for me to to believe that the same miracle will sustain me for another day. And that's what gives me the strength and the courage to get out of my bed every single morning.

If God has been merciful so far, there is no reason for me to stop believing that He wouldn't be merciful today. And miracles do happen to those who believe.

Goodbye honey. Two years that I spent with you were the happiest moments in 27 years of my life. And I cannot regret that for anything regardless of how it eventually turned out, regardless of the pain that I have to go through, regardless of the tears I have to shed. Thank you for everything, for making me able to love someone and to understand what it means to sacrifice for him. Thank you for making me a better person. This comes from the heart of a girl who still loves you with everything that she has but had to leave you because she knew for sure that she cannot make you happy no matter how much she had tried, because she knew that deep down inside, you are in love with another girl. May you always be happy, safe and content in the grip of His grace.

I Should Be Over Him By Now, Shouldn't I...?

That's the first thing that crossed my mind when I heard about the news this morning. He's getting married, on August 1. As much as I don't want it to affect me, unfortunately it does, and it still does. It still affects me the same way as it did a couple of years back. I am still the same person as I was a couple of years back, aren't I? Someone who loves him. Someone who needs him, and someone who wants him, someone who misses him like crazy every morning she gets out of bed, someone who asks for God's grace and strength every single morning, knowing that she will go through another day without the man she loves.

In fact, I am still the same person, after everything. After trying to convince myself over the past couple of years that things will eventually get better, that time heals everything, and I'll be over him someday, that things will get better as time goes by. Well, they don't. Things don't get better as time goes by. Time doesn't heal, as much as I want it to. And as much as I want it to, it never will. Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?

I know I can see it coming. I know that he's marrying her. And I really believed that I was ready for it. I really believed that time heals everything. But after today, after learning that news, I know that I've been deceiving myself so far. I will never be ready for things like this. Nobody can ever prepare you for things like this, for accepting the fact that someone you love never considers you important, that someone who admitted to you how much he loved you finally decided that you're not good enough to keep, that your relationship was never good enough to fight for.

He fought for their relationship, but not for ours. He was still in love with her even when he was in a relationship with me. And I foolishly thinks the best of someone that love can win someone over, that love makes miracles and that love changes people. I mean, come on, how stupid I was to ever believe in such things? How stupid I was to ever believe that he truly loves me when he said so? Only because he said so?

I should be over him by now, shouldn't I? I mean, it's been two years. They say time heals. Maybe they're right, but it doesn't apply to me. Loving someone is never easy, that's what they say. And I've said to myself for thousands or even millions of times that loving someone comes down to the fact that you want him to be happy, either with or without you. Unfortunately in this case, it has to be without me. And I should have known that ever since the beginning. How could I was so stupid to ever believe that someone would actually fall for me? How could I ever be that stupid? I should have known that ever since the beginning.

Maybe romantic relationship is never meant for me anyway. Then why did I finally put my trust in him when he said that he loves me? I was being way too naive and I let my guard down. And that realization always comes when you've gone too far. That's the worst part of all. That realization comes all the way beyond the time frame where you should have been able to get out, after you've given away everything, literally everything that you have for him. Well, maybe that's what they say, that regrets always come way too late.

I knew that starting this day onward I've given up trying to believe that I will be over him, no matter what people say. I've given up trying to believe that time heals everything, because in fact, it doesn't...! That's just a self defense mechanism, trying to believe that time is on our side, because we want it so much for time to be at our side, while the fact is, it doesn't always happen that way. I will never hope that time will eventually heal everything. I will never again say to myself that I will be over him one day, because I can never survive the disappointments that will come when I finally realize (again) that it's not going to happen!

I don't know what to think and what to believe anymore. Should I keep on believing that God is good? Should I keep on trusting that He knows what He's doing when I know that He let me fall in love with someone that eventually rejects me? I don't know. All I know is that I have to ask for His strength and grace every morning to go through another day without the man that I love, and the only reason for me to ever do so is because I don't have the right to control my life anymore. I mean, if I had the option, I would just end my life right away ever since I was still in the US because there is no reason for me to keep on living. But I know that my life is not mine anymore. My life belongs to God, no matter how cruel He seems to be at this point of my life. And if He still wants me alive, then I guess I have no other option but to obey.

"When I'm in your arms..."

"When I'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter,
My whole world can shatter, I don't care..."

I just finished swimming. Doing 7 laps can be very exhausting sometimes. But on a happier note, I can be sure that my endurance is building up. I can feel that I have a better endurance in swimming nowadays, compared to before I started doing it regularly. And on my way back to the office, of course I had to pass the university Food Junction. I notice that in the evening the played the songs from the 80's, which most of them are familiar to me. The past few days, I've noticed songs from Toto (I'll Be Over You), Extreme (More Than Words), Glenn Frey (The One You Love), and Peabo Bryson (Can You Stop The Rain).

Anyhow, today when I walked passed by the Food Junction, they were playing a song from Phil Collins, "A Groovy Kind of Love". And the song reached the part when the lyrics says "When I'm in your arms, nothing seems to matter. My whole world can shatter, I don't care..." And no matter how much I don't want that sentence to bother me, I couldn't help it. That sentence still bothered me. It brought back memories I don't want to recall.

I couldn't remember when was the last time I felt that way. But I know that the feeling was real. When I was in his arms, I didn't care about anything else. I didn't care even if the world stops turning. I didn't even want to care. When I was in his arms, nothing seemed to matter anymore. I didn't care about my degree, I didn't care about going to the US, or even whether he loves me like I love him. All I knew is that I love him that much, that I want him that much, that I don't want to lose him. And up to this day, those feelings are still there. I still love him, despite what he has done, although I know that he never did, although I know that he was two-timing me even from the start. But I love him. And for me loving someone comes down to the part where it's always about the other person. It's about him, and not about me. Nothing seems to matter anymore, no matter how stupid and how pathetic that sounds. And somehow, I'm almost sure that I'm willing to give up everything just to be with him again, just to feel his touch, his strength and his presence. When I was in his arms, nothing seemed to matter. My whole world could shatter, I don't care.

Taking Dario to the Airport : Much More to Learn about Unpredictability...

Yesterday was another sad day as I took Dario to the airport. I started the day pretty early, as I always do. But somehow that morning, there is something very different about that morning, knowing that I was about to say to goodbye to a very dear friend. And somehow, I was hoping that morning never came...

I arrived at the office close to 6.15am, and started preparing for the day as soon as I'm done with my quiet time, praying for strength for today, and also the grace to be able to face another goodbye, knowing how much I don't like goodbyes and airports. I knew the students are going to give Dario a farewell party, and they will give him a picture of them with Dario in a frame. One of them told me the day before. I didn't know what else they prepared.

Close to 8am, I helped Bu Sarma preparing the fruit salad for the party. We used apples, oranges and grapes. She also cut the goat and sheep cheese that Dario brought. Well, I know that I don't like the cheese. The flavor is far too strong for me. I guess that is something I need to get used to. We asked the students to prepare the drinks and we started the party around 8.30. Of course there were farewell words and food tasting. Apparently although the students didn't get the chance to prepare martabak, they prepared pempek, lemper, ongol-ongol, bakpau, kue lapis and several other traditional food. They also gave a batik shirt to Dario and the picture in a frame.

Zoly gave the farewell words as a representative of the class (Dario specifically asked for him), and I said to him, "Zoly, this is probably the first time that you make me very proud..." And ci Julia also gave a farewell speech as a representative of the department. Then there were group pictures. After that, I and Bu Sarma had to go because we had to attend our last Christian Value class. And ci Julia had to go to the lab with the students since they have to continue their ice cream experiment.

While I was at a Christian Value seminar, Dario sent me an sms, asking me where I am and telling me that he is bored and that there is no one at the office. Apparently he was done with the party. I said, "I'm sorry, but you have to survive by yourself for the moment, because I'm at a class and I'll be done by 11.30. After that, then we'll take you out to lunch."

We finished our Christian Value class at 11.30 and we went to Eastern for lunch. We, meaning Bu Nuri, ci Julia, Bu Melanie, Bu Ferliana, Dario and I. We had a nice lunch and after we're done with lunch at almost 1.15pm, we came back to the office. Dario gave us the souvenir that he brought from Murcia, two very beautiful handicrafts. Well, actually there is a funny story behind that, but I guess I shouldn't mention the story here... =)

After saying goodbye to the Dean and to Bu Nuri, I took Dario back to his hotel room and took care of the check out. I said to him that we'll pick him up when we're leaving. He needed to rearrange his luggage for the gifts, change his shirt with a t-shirt, took out his pull over and his jacket, and took off his contacts.

Around 3.45, after experiencing a small chaos due to a miscommunication regarding to the driver, Bu Sarma and I finally left the university and took Dario to the airport. Bu sarma said goodbye and then she walked away to get us some drinks to give me some private moments with Dario to say goodbye. That was very sweet of her. Dario said that he enjoyed his stay and I am glad. I said to him, "Now, you've seen me, in my country, not in the States, with my attributes, my culture as a true and complete Indonesian, with fish bones and chicken fingers, my responsibilities as a faculty member, to my students and to my colleagues..." And he said that he doesn't see me as a different person. He sees me as the same person he has known for the past few years, only doing something different. I tried to hold back my tears before he entered the gate. After that, I couldn't hold it any longer. I remember that I cried too the night when we said goodbye back in the US after the dinner at Dr. M's. And this is the second time for me to see him go. That's why I hate airports. Airports mean goodbyes, although they can also mean hellos.

Yesterday, again I was pondering about unpredictability. I guess because I am a very strict person and because I always take my words very seriously, I expect others to do the same. And yesterday, I was reminded again of how disappointing and how upsetting when a very respected colleague cannot fulfill my expectations. Well, I know that expectations hurt when it is not fulfilled. And yesterday, I guess God reminded me again of how I shouldn't put my expectations on people. People make mistakes and there were things that people cannot control. And as far as I want to trust a colleague, I guess there were times that I shouldn't have done that.

Maybe that sounds cruel to some people, but I only know that there are times when I just cannot take a person's words literally. Maybe some people are not as strict as I am in terms of staying true to their words and keeping a promise. Or maybe people have different standards and different priorities. Or maybe things just happen and those things are simply (and) totally out of control!

I guess I need to learn not to put such a high standard on other people to stop me from judging other people based on my standard. And it takes lots of effort to tolerate unpredictability, especially because I am not an unpredictable person. When I say this day, this time and this hour, that means this day, this time and this hour, not that day, that time and that hour. When I say I will do this and that, I will surely do this and that. When I say I will not do this and that, that means I will not do this and that. When I say yes, that means yes and when I say no, that means no. Living with an unpredictable person such as Xiao back in the US surely prepared me to face even more unpredictable situations like yesterday.

I remember what Pastor Yung Tik Yuk mentioned in his service last Sunday about being angry. Being angry means we are not satisfied with something. And when we are not satisfied with something, that means we are not satisfied with God, since everything happens under His control.

I don't know what and how I am supposed to learn to tolerate unpredictability. Maybe by reminding myself again and again about how people are unpredictable, without telling myself that it is OK to be unpredictable. Because I know that as soon as I start saying those things to myself, it would be easier for me to start lowering my own standard. And I don't want to be like that. Now I am starting to learn about how balance is needed and what 'art of living' really is. Well, maybe this is one of it, and I surely hope that by the grace of God, I will be able to do it.

Love is always about the other person...

Several years back, I wouldn't have understood that phrase completely. But now, I know what it means. Love is always the other person, whether or not he loves you. Love is always about the other person, no matter how much you've cried for him. Love is always about the other person, the person that you loves, the person that you would be willing yourself completely to.

A few months back, he said he wanted to come to see me. I know it's not a good idea, so I said to him that he doesn't need to do that. He said he wanted to apologize. I replied, there is no reason for you to apologize. Things that have been done cannot be undone. It happened, whether he likes it or not, whether he regrets it or not. And there is nothing he can do about it.

But somehow I kinda thought, maybe he really needs to see me to move on. I cannot simply say that I have. I've been struggling to do that because I still love him even up to now. I always think that it is that easy for him to put things behind him, because it is that easy for him to commit into a different relationship as soon as we broke up. I don't know, but that just hurt me so deeply, even far more than I can ever imagined.

I used to think that I would end up being with him. He's the first guy that I know, the first guy that I've fallen in love with, the first and maybe the last. I used to think that I will marry him, because I couldn't ever imagine loving anyone the way I love him. I guess that's just something you have that tells me how much I love him, and how much I was sure to give everything to him.
Meanwhile, Dario is leaving today, after staying for 12 days. I am glad that things eventually turn out very well. And I am totally relieved. It's been great seeing him again. It reminds me of our days back at UMass, doing research and taking care of lab. Now it's the students. Bu Melanie and I took him to Jakarta on Saturday. We had lunch at Bandar Djakarta in Ancol. It's a totally new experience for him, seeing different kinds of fish, different types of shrimps and lobsters, and of course, seeing me with the fish bones... "Imelda in total happiness" he said.

On Sunday we took him to Bogor and Mekarsari, with Shary and George. And we had another great day. But a tiring one as well. I truly felt that. And on Tuesday, the fatigue totally got a hold of me.

And now he's leaving...! I can't believe it. He said he is happy to be here, to see different sides of me, seeing me in my 'Indonesian-ness', reminds him of me being an Indonesian. I asked him yesterday whether he sees me as a different person. And he said that although it doesn't surprise him to see me in Indonesia, he sees me doing something different. He has never seen me doing anything other than research. He used to see me with a lab coat, media, petri plates, media, test tubes, stainless steel plate and pipettes. He has never seen me with students, doing consults, teaching in front of the class, among my friends, and of course, not with a fish bone...

He Never Loved Me Anyway...

It took me quite a while to understand that. But finally I got to that point. Slow, but I guess it it better than nothing. I know now, for sure.

Coming to a realization of such a painful truth has never been easy for anyone, especially for me. But somehow, I just got to get to that point. I have to admit that he treated her better than he used to treat me. He is willing to go the extra mile for her, but never for me. And one thing's for sure, I know he will never use her the way he used me.

Well, that is never surprising. I guess that concludes what I've been searching for all these years. That I was nothing more for him than a third party. His heart has always been for her, even when he was with me. When he said that he loves me, well, he never really meant it. It's just as simple as that. And it is just far too stupid of me to believe that.

Admission Test

The university is having its admission test today. I think it started sometime around 7 and it should end at sometime around 11. I came to the office today because I had to transfer my culture for the lab work after the holiday. Well, that has to be something you 'sign up' for, if you're dealing with Food Microbiology. Beside that, those who are doing their final project is driving me up to the edge. One of my students came to me a few days ago, claiming that her experiment didn't turn out well and she doesn't know what to do next. Apparently after I re-checked her method, she only incubated the plates for 12 hours instead of 24 to 48 hours... And I don't think I have to mention here about how she was planning to test the effect of the antimicrobials on spores while she doesn't even know the difference between a spore and a vegetative cell. Now, you can understand how often my jaw dropped whenever one of my students came for a consult.

Another thing that has been happening for the past couple of weeks is that it's about time for the students to give a defense on their internship report. I just gave an oral exam for one of them yesterday. We refer to this student as 'cookie monster', because he looks exactly like him. Well, of course not that he has blue furs or something like that, or that he only eats cookies. But somehow he resembles cookie monster. The first thing that came into mind when you see him is cookie monster! I think I might want to ask him in the near future whether he used to watch Sesame Street on TV...

Other than that, things have gone pretty much like what I expected so far. Dealing with heartbreaks and pains only require one thing: faith. Whether faith in knowing that God knows the best, in knowing that God is there, that God doesn't turn cold shoulder, that God still cares, that He still answers prayers, that God is still good no matter what happens, that none of these have happened without His permission, although in most of the cases that is so difficult to believe.

Somehow grieving over the 'loss' of someone you love that much really put your strength, energy, and faith to the test. And I am totally exhausted. I wasn't up for the challenge anyway. It is so easy to be tempted to believe that God is behind it. It is so easy to believe that God has shown these signals but then changed His mind, leaving me devastated with all my feelings. Especially knowing the fact that He is The Omniscient God, The All-Knowing God, the God who holds the past, the present and the future, knowing that this love is from God because He is the Source of love, He is the Love itself. How could this be?

I know Dawn was right when she said that I haven't been hurt by love. I have been hurt by a sinful human being in a sinful, selfish world. But somehow it takes effort just to believe that. It takes effort just to know how a good and merciful God could let this happen, and why He didn't stop it from happening, why He didn't stop me from loving someone so deeply while on the other hand He knows for sure that this person will reject me because I am not good enough for him.

LOVES ME, LOVES ME NOT: The Ethics of Unrequited Love

After more than three months, finally I had the chance to lay my hands on the book that Michael Greene gave me before I left the US. LOVES ME, LOVES ME NOT: The Ethics of Unrequited Love, by Laura A. Smit. When he purchased that book, I remember him calling me, telling me that he had bought this one book that might be useful for me, and that this book might be able to speak to me in a number if ways. I didn't take it that seriously. I mean,I like reading, and I love books, just like readers are. I consider this book to be not different from other books, and I treated this book the same way that I do others; put my label on it, and cover it with a plastic book cover, because that's the way I treat all my books.

The past weekend, I didn't bring any corrections. I'm done with the exam corrections, and I don't think I would want to spend my weekend correcting the lab reports. That is just far too pathetic. So as I glanced through my shelf, trying to find something to read since I didn't have anything to read, I looked through some of the first pages. And I knew that this book is really meant for me.

As I read through the pages, I realize more and more why I had to end my previous relationship. I realize more and more why it is best for me to do so. Other than that, I realize that somehow falling in love is definitely God's design, part of His good plan, even before sin entered the world. I don't know how that helps me in going through the process, or going through the pain, but somehow that makes me feel better. Indeed, Dawn was right. It is never wrong, and it is never foolish to love, or in this case, to love someone romantically.

I know that he doesn't love me. He loves the person he wants me to be. He needs the person he wants her to be, not me. And I realize that I cannot fulfill that. I cannot pretend to be someone that I am not. Now, I'm not saying that I've been fooling him around. I've always been honest to him, even up to this point. And I guess, it is best for him that I end the relationship, for his own sake. Because it is better to end it than to disappoint him in the future.

But it took me years to come up to my senses and realize that he's not being honest with me when he said that he loves me. He can love anyone, as much as that person can live up to his standards. He doesn't mind to take his love away from someone and give it away to someone else as soon as he finds another person that can definitely live according to the way he wants her to live. He can love anyone as long as he can change that person into the person he wants her to be. He can love anyone under certain conditions. That's why now I realize that he doesn't love me. He never did. But instead, he loves the person that he wants me to be. For him, I can be any other girl. It doesn't have to be me. If that is the way he values love, then what does love mean for him? Something that can be transferred in and out as easy as that? And somehow I feel a little bit sorry for his future wife. Slow, but I guess it is better than nothing.

On the other hand, I also realize that even though things are getting clearer at this point of my life, the pain is still there. I cannot simply say that it doesn't hurt anymore. Because it still does. And sometimes, when I think about it, I still cannot stop the tears from falling. Why is it so hard for me to get over him? Or will I ever be able to? I don't know. One thing I know is that in the future, I might not be able to love anyone the way I love him. Not necessarily that I cannot love anyone, but either I want to or I don't. And even though I 'decided' to fall in love, I won't love that person the way I love him, with such a childish trust, without any expectations and without any pre-assumptions. I don't know whether that is a good thing, but somehow I know that I won't let my guard down again the next time, at least not the way I had done before.

I used to believe that ideal picture of love, that love can change things even 'move mountains', and that love can change people, that love can win over people's heart. But now, I know I have difficulties to ever believe in such ideal conditions again in the future. I don't even know whether that exists. All I know based on experience is that love doesn't change people, and it doesn't win over people's hearts. All I know is that love makes you vulnerable, loves makes you complete and empty all at the same time and that love makes you cry for the object of your love, most of the times without him even realizing it, without him taking it into consideration, without him even knowing about how much you love him, how much you want him, and how far you are willing to go for him.

I remember praying for our relationship way back before we even started to commit as a couple. I asked GOD to reveal what He wants out of this relationship, and for Him to do whatever He pleases, either for us to be together or not, and how I want him to be happy, either with or without me. Somehow I think, how easy it is for us to say, "Thy will be done" when things are coherent with what we want. But when things go wrong, we kept asking and asking for the same thing, with the provoking thought in our mind that GOD wants persistence in our prayers. When I was in the middle of the smooth sailing, it doesn't cost me that much to say to GOD, "They will be done." But when things started to go blurry, and absurd and somehow 'weird', I protested, I became angry and I started asking things that I knew are not supposed to be asked.

At the times when I feel God is silent, I kept bombarding Him with my questions and requests. And now when He finally gave me the answer, which is something I have been waiting for, regardless of what the answer is, since for me a certain answer is a lot better than silence, I realize that I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready for the pain, I wasn't ready for the tears and I wasn't ready for the after effects.

"I don't like the way he treated you. Seriously, you'd be better off without him... "

I just came back from UPH annual staff retreat. The last time I was part of it was three years ago, in September 2004. And that was the time when I started falling in love with him. But there was something different this time as I enjoy each session. It felt confusing in a number of ways at first, looking at where I was three years ago, and what a different feeling I have now. But it got easier and easier as time went by and as I listened to the sermons.

The retreat was full of sessions as always, and a lot of fun activities. It is amazing when you see the people from the upper chain level (like the university president, the managers, the rectors and the vice rectors) can do crazy things like we do. :) Other than that, it has been a amazing gathering. The last time I was part of the annual staff retreat was three years ago, in 2004. And it is really amazing how we can make new friends after you've been away for two years!

We talked and discussed about how to live an integrated life for the past three days, a life with our faith in Christ as the center of everything, and how we integrate every aspect of our lives to that faith, how to live our faith and how t manifest that faith into our daily lives, especially in the university, where God has placed each and everyone of us. I felt really blessed with the sermons and the worships. I guess when you have about 700 believers gathering in the same place, praising and worshiping God in the same room (or is it suppose to be 'at the same room'? I really don't know...) you truly can feel His presence. And I almost believe that if you don't feel anything, or if you don't shed a few tears when you hear the choirs sing, or when you were singing those beautiful words in the hymns and worship songs, then there might be something wrong with you.

On Wednesday night, after spending time with some friends from the group of Amos, I ran into a friend from the faculty. He is not from the department, but we work within the same faculty. Let's just call him Mr. X, because I don't think it is wise to mention someone's name in things like this. He is not a kind of 'serious' guy, if you know what I'm saying. He's some sort of this happy-go-lucky guy, and rarely got seriously involved in any relationship, although not necessarily that he likes to flirt. He's not that young anymore. But I guess he's somewhere around early 30's. I guess he's just not ready to settle down yet.

Anyhow, we ran into each other in front of the hotel lobby. He was with some of our friends. And we started talking. I was actually that ready to go to bed, but something that he said about my ex boyfriend made me stay. It all started when a female friend asked m how things are going between me and my boyfriend. Apparently she never knew that we broke up since July of last year. I told her that the past belongs to the past, and ask her not to mention it again.

She thought that we broke up because I went to the States. One thing that surprised me at that point was when this Mr. X suddenly said, "No, you didn't break up with him when you went to the States, right? You were still committed to him during the first year of your stay in the US, weren't you?" Well, he was right. But what I don't understand was how he knew about it. I mean, we're not that good of a friend. We're not best friends. We just said hello when we meet, and going out to lunch with a few other friends once or twice. We never got to talk about relationships or other private matters. So, I was kinda 'stunned'. But then he said those words. "I really didn't like the way he treated you when you were away. Gosh, trust me, you don't want to end up with a guy like that! No matter how much I like to flirt, I wouldn't treat my girlfriend that way! I mean, seriously, you'd be better off without him...!"

Well, I was surprised. But then I learned during the conversation with Mr. X that he had a female cousin working in the university. And this female cousin of him told him how my ex boyfriend was, and how he was trying to 'get' her. He said, "What I don't like is the fact that in front of some people from the faculty, he acted as if he truly cares for you, that he really cherishes you, really protects you. But on the other hand, he's playing around with other girls behind your back!" That reminds me of another male friend in the US. When I told him what happened, he said, "Wow Imelda, I never knew that he was such a player..." And then Mr. X said, "Forget him, you'd be better off without him. Like you said, the past belongs to the past, don't let it haunt you anymore..."

Now that was really something. I don't know how that happened. Maybe God is trying to show me the other side of him through Mr. X, and if that's what He's doing, then I think He has done a fantastically good job! For all this time, I always think that I am not the best for him, that God has prepared someone better for him, no matter how much I love him. Well, I don't know whether this is a good sign, but now I am starting to think the other way around in addition to that. Maybe God is showing me that he is not the best for me, although that doesn't stop me from loving him.

If It Is Never Foolish To Love, Then Where Did I Go Wrong?

I sent the link to my previous post to a few friends. One of them is Dawn. And we've been writing back and forth about it. And somehow her replies and her encouraging words are something I really treasure.

One thing that she mentioned was about her late friend Jeanne. Jeanne was never married. She was engaged to be married when he broke it off. Jeanne had such strong feelings for him that just because he didn't love her anymore doesn't mean that she could stop loving him. And I knew how that feels like. And I told her what happened, and what he has done in the relationship, the things that hurt me so deeply. Somehow it helps to tell it to another person, knowing that the person truly cares for you.

"Dear Dawn,

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I truly feel that you are here with me. I know how Jeanne must have felt. Because that is how I feel at the moment. Just because he has stopped loving me, that doesn't mean that I have to stop loving him. And I honestly don't know how or whether I will ever get over him whether I will ever love someone the way I love him. I don't know why.

I broke off with him in July 2006. And maybe I shouldn't have done that, knowing that I love him that much. There were times that I regret that. But on the other hand, I also don't know whether he loves me that much. He got back together with his ex-girlfriend as soon as we broke up. And sometimes I feel that I am the third party, not her. I know she has been there all these years. I knew that he is indecisive, and he still cannot choose between me and this other girl. They were high school sweethearts.

I never wanted to enter a committed relationship, since I knew that she is still there. But I love him. And he asked me to commit before I left for the US. Maybe that was my biggest mistake. I truly believed that love will win people's heart, just the way God won us over by His love. Maybe I was being too naive. And when we got committed, I naively thought that loving him may win his heart over. Now I know that I shouldn't have thought like that. I should never have believed when he said that he loves me and that he wants to be with me. And that he will leave her. But unfortunately that's not what happened. He knows that I love him. He knows that for sure, and that other girl loves him as well. I know he doesn't want to hurt anyone. But he should have known that in cases like these, someone will end up getting hurt, and unfortunately in this case, that someone has to be me.

Maybe this is one of God's way to confirm that He doesn't want to give this man to me. And that I am not the best partner for him, and that He has someone better for him. And if he is happy with her, then I guess there is nothing I can do, and there is nothing I should do. When I say I love someone, I want him to be happy, regardless of whether he is happy with me or with someone else. And if he is happy with her, then he is happy, and that should be enough for me."

The other thing that she mentioned is that in my case, maybe God is showing me what a great capacity I have for love. And I ended up telling her about how this whole thing affects my faith, how hard it is to keep it and how I feel what a miracle it has been for me to keep it so far. This is what I said to her.

"When I look back of what I've gone through, somehow I believe it is such a miracle that I haven't lost my faith in God. When I felt the sting of that betrayal and the pain I have to go through, somehow I understand how people can turn bitter towards God and how they can turn away from God after so many years of becoming a Christian. I'm not saying that I agree with them, or that I support them in that fateful decision. But I understand how they can do such a thing, and why. Because I know what it feels like to be tempted to do so. I understand how that happened to some people, and I sincerely hope that those people would find their way back to Him someday.

I truly feel that is is such a miracle for me not to lose my faith up to this moment. I truly believe that if I weren't a Christian, and if I weren't aware that my life no longer belongs to me but belongs to the LORD instead, I wouldn't still be here by now. Because somehow I find no more reason to keep moving forward. And somehow I believe that the only reason I have for keep moving forward with my life is because my life is no longer mine, I simply have no right to control it, whether to continue or to stop it. It belongs to the LORD; body, soul and spirit. It's not my choice to end my life in any way. It is His right and His authority according to His grace and His wisdom whether to keep me alive or to end my life in any way.

I know that is such a horrifying thought in a way. But somehow I am grateful for that thought, and for that realization. It keeps me from doing the things that I shouldn't do under situations like these, like committing a suicide in the most extreme condition. I don't know how and why I can keep my faith up to now, although I am holding on in any way possible. And somehow I learned that faith is not something we earned. It is not for us to keep. It is God's hand sustaining it; it is something granted, something given, something that makes us keep running back to God because there is no other way we can turn to.

I recalled what is recorded in the last verses of John 6. After Jesus had said those harsh words, many of His disciples turned away and left Him. Jesus challenged to the Twelve, "Do you want to go away as well?" But Peter said to Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go?" I feel like God is challenging me in the same way, "Imelda, do you want to go away as well...?" And I really have to sincerely say,"Lord, to whom shall I go?" Because I really have no place to go, no one else to turn to. I feel like God has lifted and removed all, I mean ALL my security nets and I only have Him to hang on to."

Dawn said to me that it is never foolish to love, that God knows how it is to love without being loved in return. But sometimes I wonder, if it is never foolish to love, then where did I go wrong? Is it the trust? The expectations? The doubts? The standards? Where did I go wrong?

"Three years is more than enough, Sis, let him go..."

That is what a friend of mine said this morning when I told her about what I found out yesterday. Well, finally the man that I love has decided to marry another girl. As painful as it is, it is true. He told me yesterday that his parents finally accepted her as his future wife. Then I guess, congratulations then...

Last night as I was lying on my bed with my tears in the dark, I kept asking why it is so hard and so difficult for me to believe that. And why I keep wanting to deceive myself by saying that God wants our persistence in prayers. I kept appealing to Him with the same questions, with the same old lines of requests. Although deep down inside I know that He has said no, although I know deep down inside my heart He wouldn't say yes. But somehow, I keep saying to myself, prayers change things, and maybe, just that slightest possibility is enough for me to see whether or not God might have a change of heart, and as I appeal more and more to His throne of mercy, He would say yes to this one particular request. But I guess I know now that I have been deceiving myself all this time.

I have loved him for the past three years. Because that is the only thing that I have, the only thing that I can and can ever give him. Love. But that is not what he is looking for. He wants a girl who is willing to move to another city with him, regardless of the consequences, someone who is willing to enter a seminary with him, regardless of what her calling is, not someone who loves him. He never took my love into the equation. He never did. All those times spent loving him has lost in vain. And now I know how stupid that was.

A friend of mine said he is a jerk. And I know he may be. He has caused me a lot of pain and heartaches. He has betrayed my trust, used me when I was that weak, and he has made me vulnerable to be able to crush me into pieces. But regardless of what he did, regardless of what he has done, he is still the man that I love. I tried to hate him, I tried to look and concentrate on his weaknesses, on what he did, on how hurtful he can be, on how much pain he has caused and how much tears I shed for him. But it didn't work. I still can't get away from that love, the love that kept me captivated all this time. I don't know why, I don't understand why, and I don't even understand how that happened. All I can think of is the fact that there is no logical answer in a matter of love.

But I guess now is not the time to try to comprehend those things. Whenever I started asking God about the same questions, about why He let me fall so deeply in love with a man the way I love him, just to see and to know that he rejects me and he never took that love into account. I can't understand why. I can only turn to Job 38, reading God's Word when He answered Job. "Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge? Dress for action like a man; I will question you, and you make it known to me..." And somehow, I know that it has to be enough. It has to be.

A friend of mine said, "Three years is more than enough Sis, let him go..." And she is right. I've let him go for more than a year now, ever since we broke up. I can't stop loving him, and I don't think I know whether I will ever be able to stop. But I have stopped doing things ever since I know that he doesn't love me. I stopped working things out ever since I knew that he has chosen another person. But I can't stop loving him. I tried for more than a year, and it didn't work. And now, I guess this is a confirmation that I have been waiting for. I knew that it is coming. But somehow, you will never know how painful it is before it happened. You will never be ready for things like this. And I know he doesn't understand this. He is not the one lying alone in the dark with tears overflowing. He is not the one thinking of ways to end his life just because he simply cannot find a reason to move on by having a knife stored right beside his bed. And come to think about it, it is amazing and it is such a miracle that I am still alive now.

People say time heals. "It's only a matter of time. Believe me, you'll be fine..." But I guess, I can't understand how that works. Even until now, I cannot stop my tears from flowing as I think of how much I love him, of how much I want him. Or maybe I haven't waited long enough? It is that easy for me to believe that God has turned cold shoulder and that there is no use to move on. I kept praying and praying for that faith, that small kernel of faith, holding on to that small thin fiber of faith, as if that is the only thing that separates me from falling down a 500-story building, that God is there, that He knows, and that He knows what He's doing. And I never knew how hard that was. All those people saying how wonderful their life with God, sometimes I feel that they may be talking about a different life, and maybe a different God. Or am I wrong? And I am so afraid of losing my faith, I am afraid that in my pain, I would finally give up praying, I would start wandering and wandering further and further away, and suddenly I realize that I've run too far and cannot find my way back.

"Don't try my limit and I mean it...!"

"Honey, it's been almost a month since the last time you wrote in your blog..." Hmmm.... I believe nobody needs to remind me about it. And somehow, coming from him makes me wonder why. Maybe he keeps reading this blog, or maybe he keeps trying to find out things about me. Either way, I don't think I have the right to say that he does. I've learned from my experience, and people shouldn't do the same mistake twice. Although whatever happens, up to this point, he is still the man that I love. And maybe he will always be. Even though I no longer mean anything to him, or never even meant anything for him, and that's period.

Other than that, work has been crazy the past few weeks, with 74 students taking thesis credit this semester. That means there are 74 students doing their final research project and 8 of them are mine to co-supervise. And that means, I have to work with eight different supervisors, with their 'habits' and 'strange deeds' and so on, and eight different topics! That sounds a little bit 'impossible' I know, but trust me, it's not. Or to be exact, I have to make it possible, just the way my other colleagues have to make it possible with their own 8 or 9 students. We are totally overloaded and burnt out down here. I don't know how we can survive. I guess we'll have to see what I turned into, by the end of the semester.

There were times when I see students coming to the office for a consult, I just want to slam the door in front of their faces and tell them that I don't have the time! But on the other hand, I also know that there is no way that I will ever do that. As an example, I started the day pretty early, at 7, with our morning chapel. Then I started teaching at 9 am, straight to 11.30. Then I have to attend the seminar from 11.40 to 1.20. Then my next class started at 1.20 to 4. Food Biochemistry Lab is never fun, I can tell you that. Especially when you have to start that late. I finished teaching at 5. I was that ready to grab my bag when I returned to the office at almost 5.30, when I see five of my students waiting for my consult in front of the office. I know they have been waiting since 1.30. How can I have the heart to tell them to go home because I really don't feel like seeing them when I feel so tired and cannot even think??? That is not 'fair' for them. But on the other hand, I also know that the deadline for their proposal is coming this Monday, September 3, by 10am.

The other thing is, knowing that the deadline is just around the corner, some of them are not that 'serious' about their revision, and they keep coming back and forth with the same mistakes! And that is driving me crazy! I already told two of my students not to test my limit, and I truly mean it! They only have one proposal to think about, while I have eight different ones, in addition to fifteen hours of teaching (even more in reality), lab reports, and lab works! And if that is not enough to give you a headache, then I guess you better tell me what would.

Why Guys Like Girls

1. They will always smell good even if it’s just shampoo.

2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.

3. How cute they look when they sleep.

4. The ease in which they fit into our arms.

5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.

6. How cute they are when they eat.

7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.

8. Because they are always warm even when it’s minus 30 outside.

9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.

10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth.

11. How cute they are when they argue.

12. The way her hand always finds yours.

13. The way they smile.

14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight.

15. The way she says "let’s not fight anymore" even though you know that an hour later....

16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them.

17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"

18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...

19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.

20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.

21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.

22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt. (even though we don't admit it)!

23. The way they say "I miss you"

24. The way you miss them.

25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore.....

Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them ... it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart.

We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.

I received this posting from a friend through an email message. Are these really the reasons why guys like girls? And does that apply to all situations, including the situations that I used to be in? Are these the reasons why he liked me? OR why he used to like me, if he really did?

"God be with you today..."

I got a message in my Friendster account, from a friend that says that she misses my posts. Okta, thank you for your comments. I miss writing as well. But unfortunately, procrastination has taken the biggest part of me lately, regarding to things not related to the university and work. And unfortunately posting is one of them.

The past weekend, he sent me a message saying,"God be with you today honey..." And not that I am not grateful for having God with me every single moment of the day, but somehow, I cannot help but thinking how I wish he were here with me too. And had I not ended the relationship, maybe he would still be there. Had I stood up for him in front of my family, then he might have been there.

Things have been difficult and it is just amazing how I can even smile to people now. And it is even more amazing how I still love him after everything that he has done, after everything he said to people about me. I don't know where that strength comes from. I don't know how I can do that. But maybe it is for the best. At least, now I am learning how to look at things and to say to myself that everything that has happened has a reason, and that everything happens for the best. If not, I don't know whether or not I will ever survive.

I am trying as hard as I can to say to say to myself that things that happened between me and him is not his fault. It's my fault. I'm the one who let him in, I'm the one who's fool enough to trust him when he says he loves me and that he chose me over her. While on the other hand, deep down inside I've always known that she is always there. And come to think of it, I am the third party after all, not her. That is how he values me. A third party. As soon as I'm gone, he found his way back to her just like that.

A friend of mine just experienced a miracle, right in front of her eyes and her family. I mean, if that is not a miracle, then I don't know what is. We don't come from a church that emphasizes things related to miracles. We do believe that miracles exist, as long as God allows that to happen, as long as God is The One who's glorified, not the performer of the miracle like some churches do, and that it is still under God's sovereignty and God's control. We are so grateful for her because we know that she and her family have been going through a very difficult situation. And somehow, despite everything that I've been through, reminders of God's greatness, wisdom, love, goodness and, at the same time, incomprehension are everywhere.

But on the other hand, in moments like that, I cannot stop pondering why God in His sovereignty, in His omniscience, in his wisdom and in His love never stopped me from falling so deeply in love with a man that eventually rejects me because I am not good enough. I don't know. Maybe that is His way of showing me that romantic relationships are not for me after all. Or maybe that no matter how much I try and how much I've sacrificed, I won't be good enough for anyone. Or maybe simply to show me how much I really love this man and that it was such a big mistake for me to let him go. Either way, I think I just have to know that everything happens for the best because that is the way I know how to survive.

A Message from 'The Big Boss'

It's another Tuesday. Another morning chapel, just like what we always do on Tuesday morning. This morning, it was the first time for me to hear a message delivered by 'the big boss'. It was a very good one, and I just soaked it in. For so many years we never got anyone 'good'. Based on my experiences in the past, the speakers who are invited never really 'touched' the core of the message, and for so many times I never really knew what they really want to communicate. And many people were left baffled, confused, and some of us even said to one another, "What the heck was he trying to say anyway?" Well, I guess it is not a surprise, knowing where the speakers come from and their theological background. I'm not saying this in a bad way, but I think it's about time for them to step back and see what the real theology is all about. I know many people wouldn't agree, but I guess this is the best thing that comes out of the big boss' involvement. At least we have a lot better speakers and messages in our morning service every Tuesday so that we don't have to come in vain.

The message this morning was about being a true Christian, and how so many people have the wrong idea about Chistianity, how they judge and observe Christianity not based on the Person Jesus Christ, but based on what he said in his analogy as '15-mile away' judgment, that they never 'crashed' right into Jesus Christ, but 'crashed' far from where it is suppose to be. He took a verse from Philippians 1:21 and Galatians 2:20. "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain... I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." He also talked about what it means to be a real Christian, which is to be crucified and die with Christ before even starting to live for Him, meaning to believe in Him. Not only to believe in Him, but also to believe that there is no other way for salvation except through Him and only Him.

Other than that, I know it's not for me to think about this. But somehow, walking past the D building, where the Marketing office is located on the 1st floor, it's hard for me not to remember how he used to be there. And inside D501, hearing the music playing, it is indeed difficult for me not to imagine that his fingers dancing, playing the piano. They assigned me a seat at the back, and from where I sit, I can't see who's playing. So, it is truly hard for me to imagine that he is not there, although I know for sure that he is not.

I know somehow that I cannot partake in a worship service under this condition, and there was nothing I can do but pray, earnestly, for God to give me a heart that is thirsty of Him, not of anyone, not of any memories. But it is just as difficult to accept that he is no longer there, nowhere to be found.

For so many times, I totally believe that I already got over him, in a lot of ways. But somehow, now I know that I haven't. Or maybe that I won't. For the past few months I believe that I've made myself strong enough to face him, to face what he has done, to say to myself that I am strong enough to move on, to stop caring for my pain and get myself out there again. But now, I guess I am not that strong. And that made me think of how I used to feel strong, safe and complete when we were still together, how I truly believed that he is there, always there for me, sustaining me and loving me. But now, come to think of it, I should have known that it's impossible. I was just too blind and too stupid to know that, too stupid to understand that of course he will never choose me over her, that of course when he acted as if he loves me, he did that just to get what he wants, just to manipulate me and use me to get what he wants from me. After that, then of course after he's done with me, after he's done taking advantage of me, using me and manipulating me, he will return to her, that pure innocent girl, without even care what he has done to me. It was actually that simple and that easy! I was too stubborn, too blind, too stupid to believe that he did all those things because he loves me, while I know for sure that it is simply impossible.

All those emptiness and all this pain are not what I signed up for, but it is indeed what I have to deal with. I don't know how, but it just have to be that way, I guess. Now I just have to bear all these things until I eventually get used to them so hopefully, it wouldn't feel that bad, and it wouldn't hurt as much. Let your heart bleed out, they say. Then it will not have anything to do other than to heal itself. But honestly speaking, I even don't know whether that will ever happen.

"To love is to give until it hurts..." And that is how I've been loving you...

The First Two Days, And After That...?

I did survive the first two days in the university. But will I survive the many days that follow? I don't know.

I started translating the rules for class, lab and exam participation. Students here are very different from the ones I observed in the US. US students are more aware of rules and they are more obedient. It's not that our students aren't. But our students will find a way to bend the rules if we are not strict about it. And they will try their best to do so, to get away from the rules without being disobedient. Whenever and wherever they find a 'crack', then they will do something about it. Unfortunately, that 'something' for sure is not going to be anything good for us, the faculty members.

I stayed until sometime around 6 yesterday. And it took me a while to realize that I am actually not waiting for anyone. He used to come upstairs to pick me up, and he used to call. But the past two days, there were no phone calls, there was no one. And walking down the mall was excruciating. There was no one beside me. And the thought of him walking with another girl just kills me and rips me apart.

I've met a few friends the past two days that asked me about him. Someone mentioned something like, "We almost believed that you went straight to Surabaya instead of coming back to Jakarta." Someone else said, "When are you going to Pekalongan?" Another said, "Have you met him?" Or even "When are you going to meet him?" And to all those questions I can only reply with either a smile or an indirect answer. But basically there was only one answer to those questions. Never. Why? Not because my heart has changed or because I have found someone new. My heart is still the same. My love for him is still the same as it has been the past two years. My heart is still the same. But unfortunately not his.

I cannot understand why he's doing what he's doing now. Why is he still address me the way he used to, as if he still cares, as if he still loves me, while on the other hand I know for sure that he no longer does, or maybe even never did? Doesn't he know how much that hurts? Doesn't he know how much I love him, how much I want him, and how much I want to hear him say those words again? I don't know. Why is he still telling me things about his parents while on the other hand he is now happy with another girl, the one that he chose over me? I don't know. The only thing I know is that my heart is still the same. But unfortunately, not his. My heart is still his, and will always be his, but unfortunately his heart is no longer mine.

My First Day Back

July 2, 2007. It's my first day back at UPH as an employee. A lot of things have changed, and I have to adjust myself to it. For example, the security officer at the front door told me that we are not allowed to wear sandals anymore, even in the mornings. Because I used to come to campus using sandals and left me shoes at the office. But this new security lady doesn't know me, and she told me not to do that again the next day, or else she will ask me to go home and won't allow me to enter the building. Man, that sucks! But one surprising thing is, my finger print ID still works! And my name is still part of the faculty since they still put my name on the seat assignment.

Last Wednesday I met my former advisor. He called and and told me that he finished early on his training and he's on his way back. He asked whether or not I want to meet, since his schedule is quite full for the next following weeks. And of course I cannot say no. So we met for an afternoon coffee at The Coffee Bean. We had a nice chat, and I know that even though he is not a fussy person, he had questions for me about my past relationship, since he heard things from people, especially about my Spanish friend. He tried to 'guess' what happened, and he was quite close. He did have that 'sixth sense' after all...

The past weekend we went to Cipanas for our gathering. It's been a while since the last time I was part of it. And a lot of things have changed. I recalled the last time we went was two years ago, and he was there with me. It cost me almost everything the past weekend not to think about that, not even to allow that thought come across my mind. On that gathering two years ago, for the first time, he said that he loves me.

And now, as I'm sitting at my desk, it took even a lot more courage to decline those thoughts, to stay away from them, as memories of him are everywhere. And I can't stop saying to myself, "I remember him doing this and that and this and that here and there..." Or to say, "We used to do this and that and this and that here and there..." Or to say, "This is the first time we did this and that and this and that and this and that..." It took every part of my body and soul to stop me from crying as my heart aches. And honestly, I don't know how I am going to survive. I just know that I don't have other options but to survive, no matter how and what it takes. Now I realize that I'm not even ready to be here. I'm still not ready to face all of these memories.

I guess this is not the time to feel sorry for myself. I just knew that somehow, I need to get things done, just to keep my sanity. And to say to myself that it's time to move on. No matter how much I still love him and how much I still want him, it's time to move on, no matter how difficult, no matter how hard. I have to remember, and to say it over and over again, that he belongs to someone else now. It's time to move on.

Say Hello To Indonesia

This is one of the things that I miss the most about the US : internet connection. We do have internet connection here. But you have to be very VERY patient because it takes forever to load a page. Well, it is even a lot worse than a dial-up connection in the US. So those of you who have dial up connection, you really have to be grateful.

I departed from Bradley on June 17, after paying an extra cost for $167 for my excess baggage. That's a lot of money, but it is a lot better than $351. The suitcase that Dawn gave me eventually weighed 92 pounds! And the lady behind the counter suggested me to take some load off the suitcase somehow to make it below 70 pounds. Because a suitcase that weighs between 51 to 70 pounds will be charged for another $50. "You don't want to go beyond 70 pounds, becasue when you do, it is always cheaper to pay for a third bag than to pay for half of the bag..." So basically that's what I did.

Our flight from Bradley to Chicago lasted for two hours. I had a two-hour layover in Chicago, before departing on UA895 to Hongkong for 14.5 hours. And what happened furing that flight is nothing but fun. Especially after you were 'grounded' on board the plane. First of all, we were delayed for almost two hours becasue the pilot and the co-pilot were having a disagreement about whether or not they have enough fuel to reach Hongkong. He said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we are looking for a full-passenger load, and becasue of the fuel issue, a few people on the waiting list cannot board the plane. So now we have to take their cargos out. I am very sorry but I really cannot give you a departure time yet. We might have to stay here for a while..."

And into our 6th hour, the pilot gave us a very discomforting announcement. He said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am very sorry to interrupt you with this message, but apparently some of the crew detected some sort of a burning smell from the back of the economy cabin. It may not be anything, but I will have to turn off all audio and video just to be sure. eanwhile, sit back and relax, we are monitoring the condition and everything is under control, and hopefully we will find out what teh source is." Well, truthfully, although flying is still the safest way to travel, but I am not a big fan of air transportation. I just don't like the idea of not having my feet touch the ground, especially for more than 14 hours. So you can imagine my reaction when I heard that announcement. Apparently that is not something you would want to hear from your pilot when you are 35,000 feet above the ground!

But thankfully, we reached Hongkong safely. I sent out emails to a few people in the US, telling them that I am safely arrived in Hongkong, and I told them briefly what happened during the flight. From Hongkong I still had another 3-hour flight to Singapore. I was so tired. But I believe after being inside a plane for more than 16 hours, I guess a 3-hour flight is nothing.

Marcel and Benny picked me up in Singapore. And we pent three days there. It was a nice and refreshing holiday before I came back to Jakarta and get involved with people. For the past two years I know what it feels like to live for myself. Not necessarily for my parents and my family, but for myself, when the biggest decision I have to make is just what to cook for dinner, or what to get at the grocery store. Somehow I need time to adapt and to adjust back to the situation.

I departed SIngapore on Thursday, June 21, at 3.30pm to Jakarta. I arrived at Soekarno-Hatta International Airport at 4.00pm Jakarta time. And that is the first time to say to myself, "I am home, I am finally home..." At the airport, my mom and my dad came to pick me up, with my sisters. I actually didn't expect them to come since I know they are suppose to be working and they may not be able to leave early. My mom had tears in her eyes when she saw me, and that is the most amazing feeling ever! I don't think I would want to exchange that with anything.

As for me, I came to UPH this morning, and said hello to people. And truthfully, I cannot believe what my ex boyfriend told people about me, about us. What the heck is he trying to say anyway??? Oh well, basically, I had to clarify many things in front of Bu Ferli, Bu Agatha and Bu Ian. And to Bu Melanie and Mam Susan. Unfortunately the Dean is not here today. Wait until he told me about that as well...

My Last Day At Chenoweth

Well, I've been having a very full week so far. Starting Tuesday, I've been having these lunches and dinners with people, which is good, because well, if you're leaving the country, it's good not to think about what to cook for dinner.

On Wednesday, we gathered at Dawn's place for dinner. Evie made a very delicious chicken curry casserole for our main dish. And they prayed for me, and gave me books. Well, you will never have too many books. And of course they notice how much I love to write. I cried while they were praying for me, and I cried after Evie dropped me back in my apartment.

On Thursday I went to the lab to pick up the rest of my stuff so that Eric can move in to my desk. He's beginning to like the desk hat he's at now, but I think the shelf would work a lot better for him. And a little bit more space always works for anyone. Then Dawn picked me up from the lab and drove me to Staples to pick up my thesis. They turn out nicely. Then she drove me back to Sunderland. After that comes the hardest part, which is to say goodbye to her. In the evening, Sandra and I had dinner at Panda East with Owen and Young Hee.

And I got an email yesterday from Dr. McLandsborough that she would want to go out for lunch today, because she wants to say goodbye. So I stopped by her office today to chat, basically. And she doesn't seem to mind about that at all, just like she always is. And soon enough, the lab is going to be very quiet anyway without me and Andres. I said I'll be available for lunch today, which is going to be a late lunch because she said she has a meeting at noon with a future student and his mother. And she said it could be just me and her, or we can invite other members of the lab as well. So I decided to invite the others to my 'farewell lunch'. And Eric just had his birthday on the 13th, so that's another reason to celebrate.

This morning Maryam and Mohammad came to pick up the treadmill and one of the sofa. It is impossible for me to wait for Salvation Army because when I called them and inquire a pick up, the guy said that they will not be able to come before June 29th, which is bizarre to me. So I've been listing at freecycle Amherst and having people come over and pick up my stuff, which is nice. And I also ask for Maryam and Mohammad's help to get rid of the other sofa. So now the apartment is quite empty and I am pretty satisfied with it. At least I know for sure that I will leave the apartment in an acceptable condition, knowing that Andres and Sylvia is moving in the next few weeks. I will try to vacuum the living room tonight try to clean my room tomorrow afternoon after someone comes and get my mattress.

Then Alice from Amherst Survival Center came and picked up the three tables and my dresser. I also gave her the lamp since no one seriously wants it after I listed it at freecycle Amherst. And I need that to be gone very soon. Two other ladies also came to pick up the trash cans and the laundry basket.

I came to the lab at 12.45, and we walked to Bertucci's at 1. We ran into Dr. Clydesdale at the main door and he said to us, "Oh, party time?" And we said, "Oh, no, just a lab field trip..." And then Dr. McLandsborough said, "See, Imelda is leaving this coming Sunday..." "Oh, you're done?" "She's done, and she's going back to teaching..." And then she continued with, "But she'll be back after a year or two..." Dr. Clydesdale seemed very pleased to hear that and he said, "Oh OK, we'll give you a year then..."

When we arrived at Bertucci's, Dr. McLandsborough gave me a UMass folder, the one that you use to put your diploma in. And from the beginning, she said, "Don't worry, it's on me..." And that is so very nice of her to do that. After we came back to the lab, then I started saying goodbye to people. I didn't see many of them around. Probably because it's Friday, and it's already 3pm. I guess I'll have to send out emails to people. I didn't even get the chance to see Dr. Park and Dr. Labbe!

My last stop before the office is of course Dr. McLandsborough's office. I gave her my thesis, hard bounded, my lab notebook, a card, the pen, a key chain and a bookmark. I also gave her a UPH profile CD and prospectus. Hopefully she will be interested to come and gave a lecture sometime in the future. The hardest part for me is to say goodbye to her. She has been wonderful all this time and I almost cried when I said goodbye to her. I am a 'cry-baby', I know that, and that makes it even harder. But I think the thought of coming back makes things a little bit easier.

I just hope that it will come true somehow, knowing that I don't have any reason to stay in Indonesia anyway. And I truly don't know which one I would prefer, either to have a reason to stay or not. If I had even the smallest reason to stay there, if there were even the smallest possibility, the slightest hope for us to get back together, I know I am willing to let go of the chance to ever come back to the US. But somehow, no matter you love someone, no matter how much you're willing to sacrifice for him, it's just not enough for him, and you just have to wake up and say that it's not enough, and it will never be enough. I was ready and willing to leave Jakarta, if UPH ever open in Surabaya and if they want to transfer me there. I know that is a possibility. I was willing to leave my family, knowing that I can 'survive' without necessarily having them physically present, and knowing that I will be with someone I truly love. I was ready and willing to sacrifice my dream of ever coming back to the US for a higher degree. But somehow, those things are just not enough, and he never sees that.

Even until today, I can definitely say that I love him. But it's far too late now. And maybe that is for the best. At least now I know how much he 'loved' me, or should I say, how much he never loved me. At least now I know how meaningless I was for him, not even worthy enough for him to keep after everything I've sacrificed for him. I love him, I still do, with everything that I have, but I guess after our conversation this morning, I know how selfish he is, and it's time to let go. It's time to move on. And it's about time to stop me from deceiving myself by saying that things will get better between us, or that we would find our way back together somehow. It's time to let go, it's time to move on.

"What do you want from me as your graduation gift, my dear...?"

Last night Ruthanne invited me to Bart's for my last sundae. She apparently didn't know about the farewell party we had at Michael's place on Saturday. So when Anne mentioned to her that I'm leaving very soon, she decided to get together again for the last time. And I am so glad that she did that. We talked and talked, and talked for about two hours or so. Well, girls and ice cream, what can go wrong??? And at least I can tell her to drag Anne to an eye doctor very soon. Maybe she has more 'resources' that can intimidate Anne so for her own sake, she would 'surrender'... :)

And yesterday Airin sent me a text message from Australia. She asked how things are with my thesis. The last time we talked, I was still writing it and quite under pressure. So I told her that everything is done, that I did my defense on Friday and now I'm officially Imelda Tirtajaya, STP, MS. She asked when I'm coming home and whether or not I can make a stop in Brisbane for holiday. Of course that is not possible, which is too bad, since I've always wanted to go there.

Airin also asked me,"What do you want from me as your graduation gift, my dear?" I told her not to bother since that wouldn't be necessary. "The thing that I want the most is beyond anyone's reach anyway." She still said, "Tell me." And of course I didn't tell her. I told her to forget it instead.

For the past few days I keep asking myself what I really want as my graduation gift. People have been doing very wonderful things to me for the past few days, even weeks, and how can I not be grateful for that? Dawn buying me a suitcase as my graduation gift and taking me out to lunch after my defense, Anne giving me flowers, Jacqui and Denia arranging a farewell party for me, and Ruthanne inviting me for my last sundae at Bart's. But still, I know that doesn't give me what I really want as my graduation gift.

If you asked me the same question a year ago, I would have had a different answer. I would say my graduation gift would be to have him waiting for me at the university with open arms and telling me again how much he loves me, how much he misses me and how much he wants me. Of course I cannot say that to Airin, because I know that it is beyond my reach, it is beyond anyone's reach. And somehow, graduation gift no longer matters for me now. It doesn't matter anymore. You know, when you want something so badly, but on the other hand, you also know that it is beyond your reach, it is beyond anyone's reach, and you know for sure that no one can ever give it to you, then somehow the event doesn't really matter for you anymore.

Somehow you just know that it's not going o do you any good whether you have the degree or not. It wouldn't help you in the way that you've always wanted. It still doesn't give you the right to claim the thing that you want the most, because that thing or that person belong to someone else, and that no matter what you've achieved, it wouldn't give you the satisfaction, knowing that the person you want the most will never be there to share it with you.

Imelda Tirtajaya, STP, MS

I can't believe that I finally survived! Well, I did the defense on Friday. And after two years of work, then it all came down to a 25-minute presentation and 30-minute talk with the committee. We started at 10 and were done at 11. Beside the lab members, a few other people came, including Younghee, Dao, Jean, Mei, Hadi, Vira, Hadrian and of course, Dawn.

Dr. McLandsborough showed up after I'm done setting up the projector and the computer. She asked whether I am ready. I said to her, "I guess I am at the stage where I have to stop studying, unless I will go crazy..." And I said to her, "Before I did my defense for my Bachelor, my former advisor said to me, 'You have to say to yourself, 'I did this myself, so I have to know better' " She totally agrees with me. Then she said that the setting of the Nutrition Library is not 'defense-ready'. So we pulled and pushed around the tables to make it 'defense-ready'. After I'm done with the presentation, Dawn asked whether or not I am up for a 'celebratory-lunch' after I'm done with the questioning, or if I don't have anything lined up for lunch. And she said to me, "It's amazing how you didn't trip your tongue over those long and difficult words..."

After I'm done with the committee, Dawn took me out to lunch, and Hadrian joined us. They asked me to decided where to go. I haven't been to Applebee's, so that's where we finally went. On our way, Dawn said to me, "You were as cool as a cucumber up there, you know..." And she also said, "I actually wanted to ask you a question, something like, 'You know, I'm kinda lost starting from slide number 3 or so, can you go back to that?' But I know that would make me look stupid, and I am not in the mood to make myself look stupid today..."

When I came back from lunch, I have another surprise waiting for me at the office. Apparently Anne showed up and brought me flowers in a vase! They are so beautiful, and I can't believe she did that to me...! I was so touched. Yuhua said that she stopped by while I was away. She tried to call but I didn't get any signals while we were eating.

After lunch, I did my revisions. Dr. Labbe said that there are a few typos in the thesis, but other than that, I should be fine and he has no problem with it. So I spent the next few hours at Dr. McLandsborough's office printing out my thesis with her printer and acid free paper, just as required by the Grad School. And I got the signatures from all my committee and Dr. Clydesdale. At sometime around 4, I'm done with the printing, and Dr. McLandsborough encouraged me to submit the two copies to the Grad School. "Get them off of you hands as soon as possible..." So that's exactly what I did. I submitted the two copies to the Grad School, with the Degree Eligibility Form.

After I'm done with it, I printed out two more copies to be bound. Dr. McLandsborough asked for one copy and of course I would want to have one myself. Then I went back home, feeling tired and exhausted, and at the same time, almost twenty pounds lighter. Well, of course it's not that I literally lost twenty pounds, but because I used to be so under pressure and so anxious about everything, then now it feels so good not to have my defense to think about. I spent the evening doing my laundry. Well, I have lots of laundry to catch up...

On Saturday, the GICF had a farewell party for me at Michael's place. It's nice to see everyone after the defense. And realizing that I am actually leaving... That's not the best feeling, if I may say. They signed a card for me, and asked me to open my presents. The card is so cute, even Yosemine and Mazeyar wrote their name on it. Michael and Carol gave me a UMass T-shirt. And I really like it, since I was planning to buy a UMass T-shirt myself. And Michael also gave me the book that he mentioned a few months back. It is entitled 'Love Me, Love Me Not". He said he would want to know how that book helps me, which I'm sure it will. And Jacqui and Denia (I don't know it is either only both of them, or there are other people contribute to it) bought me another book, it is the Classical Series of CS Lewis. It has seven books in it, including Mere Christianity, The Great Divorce, A Grief Obeserved and The Problem of Pain.

Then Denia and I went to Jacqui's place and spent the night there. We talked and talked until sometime around 3 in the morning. I really didn't know what happened to Denia. She said that she is ready for bed while we were still at Michael's. Then she suddenly got an extra boost of energy and said, "Sleeping is not allowed...!" Where did that come from?

We came to church on Sunday, after having scones for breakfast. Since yesterday was my last service, I said goodbye to people, from Fernando, Aletta and Barry, Lois and Jerry Gates, Dave and Ron, Ivan and Miang Chou, Teddy, Becca and Bert,and of course, Pastor Greg. I said that my flight is on Sunday morning, 8.30 am. And he said, "Well, I guess we must have the service moved to 4.15 then..." He is such a sweet heart.

Then I spent the rest of the day cleaning. I called Jacqui and I asked her to come over, since I have tons of things to give away. So she came and brought Maryam and Yosemine with her. And they basically took most of the things away. Then Michael came later in the afternoon to take Xiao's chair. I think she still wants it. Anne also came over to pick up the coffee maker and some of the stuff I promised her.

Anyhow, the next few days, my plan is to clean up the apartment and tried to call people to take care of the furnitures. Although Xiao already told me not to worry about it, but still, I don't like the idea of having Andres and Sylvia moving in while her stuff is still there(!), knowing how undependable some people from this part of the country are. Well, I don't mean anything bad, but it's just that I've been having bad experiences with these people and I don't think I would want to risk it. And at least I will feel better if I know that I leave the apartment in a good and clean condition for Andres and Sylvia.

To Be Married, To Be Single...

Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.

I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single.

And if you are married, stay married. This is the Master's command, not mine. If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife.

For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God.

On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you've got to let him or her go. You don't have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God.

And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.

Were you Jewish at the time God called you? Don't try to remove the evidence. Were you non-Jewish at the time of your call? Don't become a Jew. Being Jewish isn't the point. The really important thing is obeying God's call, following his commands.

Stay where you were when God called your name. Were you a slave? Slavery is no roadblock to obeying and believing. I don't mean you're stuck and can't leave. If you have a chance at freedom, go ahead and take it. I'm simply trying to point out that under your new Master you're going to experience a marvelous freedom you would never have dreamed of. On the other hand, if you were free when Christ called you, you'll experience a delightful "enslavement to God" you would never have dreamed of.

All of you, slave and free both, were once held hostage in a sinful society. Then a huge sum was paid out for your ransom. So please don't, out of old habit, slip back into being or doing what everyone else tells you. Friends, stay where you were called to be. God is there. Hold the high ground with him at your side.

The Master did not give explicit direction regarding virgins, but as one much experienced in the mercy of the Master and loyal to him all the way, you can trust my counsel. Because of the current pressures on us from all sides, I think it would probably be best to stay just as you are. Are you married? Stay married. Are you unmarried? Don't get married. But there's certainly no sin in getting married, whether you're a virgin or not. All I am saying is that when you marry, you take on additional stress in an already stressful time, and I want to spare you if possible.

I do want to point out, friends, that time is of the essence. There is no time to waste, so don't complicate your lives unnecessarily. Keep it simple —in marriage, grief, joy, whatever. Even in ordinary things—your daily routines of shopping, and so on. Deal as sparingly as possible with the things the world thrusts on you. This world as you see it is on its way out.

I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.

If a man has a woman friend to whom he is loyal but never intended to marry, having decided to serve God as a "single," and then changes his mind, deciding he should marry her, he should go ahead and marry. It's no sin; it's not even a "step down" from celibacy, as some say. On the other hand, if a man is comfortable in his decision for a single life in service to God and it's entirely his own conviction and not imposed on him by others, he ought to stick with it. Marriage is spiritually and morally right and not inferior to singleness in any way, although as I indicated earlier, because of the times we live in, I do have pastoral reasons for encouraging singleness.

A wife must stay with her husband as long as he lives. If he dies, she is free to marry anyone she chooses. She will, of course, want to marry a believer and have the blessing of the Master. By now you know that I think she'll be better off staying single. The Master, in my opinion, thinks so, too.

-Apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians 7, The Message.

Turning 31 on the 31st

Today is Andres' birthday. He is turning 31, on the 31st of May. And he is like the happiest guy ever lived. He got his postdoc position at Purdue, he's excited about it. He's graduating, buying a new car and getting a new job all at the same time. He couldn't be happier... So we went out for lunch to celebrate his birthday. We, meaning Dr. McLandsborough, Dr. Weiss, Dr. Jun, Yuhua, Sylvia, Andres and me. We had a beer, of course, because that is the main reason why we went to ABC at the first place, and since Dr. Weiss was there, a very long talk as well...

Speaking of Andres, a few days ago, I suggested him to make a list of what he has to tell the new technician about the lab, since neither him nor me is going to be around that much longer. Starting from his projects, like using the autoclaves, how to set up and use the transfer machine, how to use the spiral plater, even maybe dilutions problems, how to take care the lab, like doing the PO's, even to the smallest things like hazardous waste, supervising the work study, chemical inventory, where things are stored (especially those that are not used very often, but will be needed one day), and when to order more filling solutions for the new pH meter probe since it expires in May 2008. Basically how to run the lab and what needs to be done to make sure that the lab is running as smoothly as it has been. I said to him, "I don't mind if you want to cross check with me about the list..." And he said, "Absolutely. I'll have to do that before you leave...!" Poor this new technician. He'll have a whole set of new responsibilities from th first day! I just hope that it's not going to scare him away. Hopefully not, because I notice he's a bright young man. I can even see the glow and the enthusiasm in his eyes when I met him a few weeks ago. And according to both Andres and the boss, he's very engaged as well, and even though he doesn't have a microbiology background, it wouldn't take much effort for him to catch up.

Meanwhile, Dr. McLandsborough is going through my discussion as I am writing this post. She's been very encouraging these last couple of weeks. She keeps telling me that it is a very nice project, she's very pleased with it, and she feels very good and very satisfied about it. Yesterday when I stopped by at her office, she told me that she's proud of me, and that this last few months I've done a lot of research, and for a master's thesis, it is absolutely a big project and looking at my results, people may not have the idea that I did that only in a few months. She keeps asking me, "Don't you feel good about it?" And of course, coming from your professor, you have to agree.

So yesterday she managed to finish the introduction, literature review, objectives, materials and methods, and result. She was bumped by the fact that I wrote 14 pages for my discussion. I said to her, "I'm so proud of you..." And this time, she cracked, and said, "Now you're giving me back my lines..." I said to her I'll try to trim it off, but to no avail. Because when I write, I would go on and on and on and on, and by the time I realize it, it's too late for me to change anything. And if I cut one paragraph, then I would have to change the whole thing and change all the flow. Honestly, I don't even know how to do that.

This morning, I tried to edit the comments because I guess nearly 6MB of Word document file with the comments and track changes is too much for my computer to bear that it froze on me for a few times. So I tried to accept the comments and hid the formatting. And it hasn't frozen ever since. But when she showed up at the office and asked me how the discussions are going, I had to say that I don't know how to cut things off. So she said, "OK, give it to me, I'll do it..." And then later on, when I told Andres about the 14-page discussion, he told me that one whole paper is maximum of 14 pages long. "So, basically you can make an entire paper from your discussion only...!" So now that makes a lot of sense to me now. And then in addition to that, the boss is used to editing Andres' papers, which is not more than 14 pages long. The shorter the better because if you want to publish an article in an international journal, you have to pay for every single page that you occupy! So, no wonder that totally blew her away...! I'll make sure that I'll remember that next time.

Saturday Afternoon With The 'Latin Ladies'

Yesterday Sherley and I came to The Teagues' in Westfield. Sally was apparently planning to invite a few 'Latin' people, that is those in Classics Department and Latin teachers. But most of them couldn't make it. At least that's what Sherley told me when she called, asking me whether or not I would want to come along, since Sally already cooked the meals and there will be so much food and as far as she knows, Megan is the only one who's coming. So, finally I accepted the invitation and since I don't think I wouldn't have the chance to see David and Sally before I leave, I might as well say goodbye to them while I still can.

Sherley picked me up at sometime around 1, and we arrived at The Teagues' at sometime around 1.30 or so. We talked a lot, from Sherley's job interviews, how she's going to Italy for two months, and Sally's job. I never thought that she is really under such a pressure, and it is too bad because she is very good at what she does. And we also talked about guys. Sally never knew that I broke up. I never necessarily told her what happened. So she still asked me, how things are going on between us, because the last time she noticed that I was having problems was on our first Fall Retreat, when The Teagues joined us. It's been quite a while since then. Of course I told her that we broke up in August. And the talk went on and on and on. It's funny, actually, because on our way to Westfield, Sherley was asking me the same thing, whether or not he still contacts me from time to time.

After David came back from work, Sally, Sherley and Megan went to see a video that Sherley recorded. It's a puppet show skit, in Latin of course. So I decided not to go and keep David accompany, since I wouldn't be able to understand anyway. And we had a very nice talk. David told me that they haven't had the chance to come to the fellowship anymore, since they are both too tired and too busy. And he also asked about my relationship. I respect David very much. He is a great guy, and very smart indeed. After all, only a few people are able and confident enough to face faculty members and professors and talk about Christianity without having their faces slumped to the ground during the discussions and debates. We also talked about my future plans, about how scared I am to go back, and my future plans and so on. I also told him how I don't want to be 'the other girl' in someone else's relationship.

I don't know what he's trying to do. He's made another commitment with this other girl, and he still contacts me from time to time, still addresses me as 'honey', and for a period of time, he still says, "Honey, how are you? I miss you..." either through text messages or Friendster, even once in my voice mail. Sometimes I think he is trying to get back at me for breaking up with him. I don't know whether that's true. But I don't want to be the other girl in someone's relationship. I know how it feels to have another girl in a relationship, and how I used to hate her and despise her for standing in between. I don't want to play the same role now, no matter how much I love him, no matter how much I want him and how much I wish I were her at this moment. But it's just not right. I am not that low, and I'll definitely make sure that I will never be.

If a man really wants you, nothing can keep him away; if he doesn't want you, nothing will ever make him stay. When I said that, Sally said, "Oh, that is so TRUE...!" For me, it is just too bad that I realized it too late. If I had realized it earlier, much earlier, I should have been able to avoid this pain. I should have known that I will never be able to win him over, no matter how much I love him. The thought that eventually he will get over that other girl and love me completely is just too vague, and too impossible to be true. I remember that night when he said that he loves me and held me in his arms. "Don't worry. Everything's gonna be OK. I'll prove it you, I promise I will..." I knew that she was still there no matter how close we were, even when he said that he loves me, and I shouldn't have thought so naively that I will win him over with my love.

Maybe for all this time, I have been the other girl, not the other way around. There is no sense staying in a relationship if you (have to) borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you. Why would he treat you any different from this other girl? And if a man doesn't treat you right, then heck no, there will be no such a thing as friendship. Don't settle. Besides, what are the qualities that I have and she doesn't? He doesn't have any reason to choose me after all. I see that pretty clearly now. Silly me, for not realizing that much sooner.

I know I cannot stay like this forever. But I just don't know how to stop, or will I ever be able to stop. I am not like him, who can say 'I love you' to someone, get physically and emotionally involved while two-timing another person, get over a relationship and made a new commitment in such a short time. I can't do that, and for so many times I wish I could! When I said I love someone, that means I really do, completely, undividedly and I am wiling to pay the price for it. I am willing to experience the pain and the sacrifice of loving someone. I am willing to be vulnerable just to let him in and let him be a huge part of me. I can't say that I love someone and having another relationship with another man at the same time.

I still cry at nights when I think of how much I love him, when I think of how much I want him and how those things wouldn't matter anymore now, since it will not change anything anyway. He is the first thing that comes into my mind every morning, and he is the last thing in my mind every night. He asked me who is the man that I wanted to stay with, the one who loves me. Why would it matter to him? I didn't give him a straight answer. Besides, why would I do that anyway? It doesn't matter to me how he would interpret it, since it's not going to change anything, and since it will not make him mine ever again. Well, one thing's for sure, even if this man exists, it wouldn't be him. Because he doesn't love me.

If a man doesn't want you, nothing will ever make him stay. Not compassion and patience that you showed him, not sacrifices that you made for him, not dignity that you took off for him, not the gears and the protections that you let go for him, not your presence and the risks that you took for him in every single aspect of your life, not even true and unconditional love that you've lavished on him. Nothing. Simply NOTHING. That is true, so very true. I know it now. I understand it. He doesn't love me, he doesn't want me. Nothing will ever make him stay, no matter what I do, no matter what I did, no matter what I've done. I finally learn that lesson, but unfortunately, the hard way, the painful way.

To Love Or To Be Loved

"Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you, or are you going back to the one you love...?" Glenn Frey. Not an easy question. But somehow, quite intriguing to explore. For me, I used to think it is a lot better to love than to be loved. Somehow, it is more 'noble', and more 'gratifying', and even more 'rewarding'.

But now, I don't know anymore. I know how costly it is to love. And I know how risky it is to be loved, or at least to believed that you are truly loved by someone. Less than 3 years back, I'd say I'd prefer to love than to be loved. And at that time, I had someone that I truly love, someone that claimed that he loves me too. And I had to let myself be vulnerable and fragile just for him.

Sometimes I wish he knew for sure how I had to let all my guards down when we were together. It is truly a whole new experiences to be vulnerable, and it is truly a sacrifice, a sacrifice that he never noticed, a sacrifice that he never value. I cannot promise him anything like other girlfriends do. I cannot promise him and give him wealth, status, money, beauty. I can only trust him and give him my heart, my love, in the palm of my hand; my presence whenever he needs me; my loyalty and commitment to always stand by his side. I can only promise him me, myself, completely, undividedly, with all my being. That is how much I love him.

To love or to be loved? I don't know. I really wanted to say that it is better to be loved after everything that's happened. And if you had the choice either to stay with the one who loves you, or to go back to the one you love, a wise girl would choose to stay with the one who loves her. But me? I don't know whether I will be that wise, or whether I will be that smart. Although I know which one is better, I still don't know whether I will choose the better one.

If only I had the chance to turn back time, I would have done things differently. Anyhow, don't all of us would? For me, I would have done more to lay it out on the line, not to give up before he says he doesn't want me anymore, not to give up on that small glim of hope, even the smallest chance, the slightest possibility that he might love me, that he might care for me, and eventually I would win him over no matter what I have to sacrifice. I would have fought more to make sure that eventually he will respond completely to the love that I've lavished on him.

I know I should have done more, I should have tried harder to prove it to him, to show him how much I love him, how much I want him, how much I've sacrificed for him and how much more I am willing to sacrifice. Maybe, just maybe, I would be able to look back and say to myself that I don't have anything to regret, knowing that I've exercised all things possible, all means to say to him, to show him that I love him. Now I know how painful regrets are, and how devastating they could be, knowing that the only man that you love is beyond your reach while you know that if you had done things differently, he would still be with you.

Again, to love or to be loved? Take your pick. I really want to say that I will stay with the one who loves me undividedly, who takes me as I am, instead of going back to the one I love, who, unfortunately, and painfully, is in love with another girl when he said that he loves me, who wants me to be someone else, if I had the options. I really want to say that I will stay and give a footing to someone who is willing to fight for me and is willing to give our relationship a second chance, even a third or fourth time no matter what it takes, the way he never did. I really want to. It takes too much to love someone, especially someone who, unfortunately, takes it for granted. But how can I betray my own heart? How can I stop saying to myself how much I love him if the truth is obvious that I cannot stop loving him? How can I lie to myself and to my heart after I've been honest all this time? People say there is always a first time for everything. Does it mean there is also a first time to stop being honest to my heart and to myself?

Food Science Department Annual Spring Picnic

We had our annual Spring picnic at Dr. Decker's house in Sunderland on Saturday. We were suppose to have it the day before on Friday, but the weather was kinda nasty and gloomy with rain and downpours. And it was on the upper 40's! No one in their right mind would hold on a picnic under that kind of weather! So they re-schedule it to Saturday, which is not that much better anyway. But we had lots of fun.

Dr. McLandsborough was there with Ed, Aaron and Sophie. Of course Dr. Decker was there too since we had it at his house. Dr. Clydesdale, Dr. McClements and Dr. Weiss were there too with Dr. Nawar and Dr. Park. And as usual, Dr. Labbe, Dr. Shetty and Dr. Levin did not show up. I wasn't planning to show up because of the weather. Honestly, if you ask me, I'm not that excited about spending time outdoors with the temperature on the lower 50's! But I didn't show up last year and since I won't be here next year, I guess I really have to show up this last time.

We started at 5.30. Dr. Jun picked me up and when he showed up, Yuhua, Mei and Mike were already in his car, just like what I'd expected before. I prepared apple crisp for the picnic. Not something that 'Indonesian', but that is the best thing I can come up with, regarding the limited time I had. We had lots of dish, but my favorite is always the dessert.

After getting the food, Wanee, Tang, Dao and I sat outside. Later on, Dr. Nawar and his wife came to join us. Dr. Jun, Dr. Lee, and Michael Terk showed up later with their plates. Tang was trying to convince Michael that she is not Thai. And it seemed to be working at first. I didnot notice that at first, when Tang said that she picked up Thai from Wanee and Dao (who, of course were co-conspirator in that) everyday over lunch, I was surprised. But Tang quickly gave me a sign with blink and I culd only say, "Oh, ok..." But poor Michael, it took him quite a while to get the whole idea that Tang and the Thais were playing jokes on him.

We stayed until sometime around 9.30. After that, Dr. Jun dropped Mei and I at The Greenes'. We were suppose to have our summer barbecue cook out dinner at the same day. I wasn't planning to show up, but I know that I need to say goodbye to at least a couple of people because I don't know whether I will see the again. So I guess I owe it to myself to show up and spend some time there. And at the end of the day, Hwok Aun and Jacqui tookme back to Sunderland at sometime around 11. It's been a tiring day and I fell asleep the next minute my head touched the pillow. Actually I am quite grateful because I don't have that good night sleep for quite a while, and not that many either. So it pays off at the end, I guess.

"Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done..."

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our debts as we forgave our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever.
Amen.

As always, we prayed the prayer that Jesus taught His disciples at church this morning. And it struck me as it always has been. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done... What does that mean? Thy will be done?

He sent me another text message this morning, right before the service. "Hi honey, how are you?" He told me not to worry about everything, because he knows I can do it by the grace of God, and that he lifts me in prayer. And throughout the service, I can barely concentrate on the hymns and on what Pastor Greg said in his message. I kept telling myself over and over again that this did not come from the man who loves me. This simply came from the man who has hurt me and caused me a lot of pain with his indecisiveness, with his choice, and with his harsh words. I don't know what he wants with me, and maybe it is better for me not to know. Or maybe it's about time for him to reveal when he is going to walk down the aisle with someone he chose over me, despite of how much I love him? I don't know.

Lord, I keep asking You for the same thing, and I keep appealing at Your throne of grace with this one particular thing, the thing that I know only You can give, the thing that You know I want the most, more than anything I've ever wanted in my life, and probably even more than anything I will ever want in my life. But on the other hand, I also pray, "Thy will be done..." How could this be? How is that possible? And why does it hurt me so much to say, "Thy will be done?"

This morning I couldn't even say it in my prayer. Lord, You know how much I want it, this one particular thing. And I know only You can give it to me because I know there is nothing impossible for You, You who have given me this much love to pour out to someone who eventually rejects me and chooses someone else over me, because I am not good enough for him, I am not pretty enough, I am not submissive enough, I am not cooperative enough, my family is problematic and does not have a good enough reputation, and probably even because I am not rich enough. I will keep my persistence and I will keep appealing at Your throne of grace for this one particular thing. But in addition to that, I will also ask You to teach me what it means to say "Thy will be done..." And I will also ask for Your grace, Your strength and the sincerity to accept even when You decline this one plea, no matter how disappointing it will be for me, knowing that even though You know how much I want this, You still say no to it.

Cinta Itu...

Pernahkah kamu merasakan,
bahwa kamu mencintai seseorang,
meski kamu tahu cintamu mungkin tak berbalas,
tapi kamu tetap mencintainya,

Pernahkah kamu merasakan,
bahwa kamu sanggup
melakukan apa saja demi seseorang yang kamu cintai,
meski kamu tahu ia takkan pernah peduli
ataupun ia peduli dan mengerti, tapi ia tetap pergi.

Pernahkah kamu merasakan hebatnya cinta,
tersenyum kala terluka,
menangis kala bahagia,
bersedih kala bersama,
tertawa kala berpisah,

Aku pernah...... ...

Aku pernah tersenyum meski kuterluka karena kuyakin
Tuhan tak menjadikannya untukku,
Aku pernah menangis kala bahagia, karena kutakut
kebahagiaan cinta ini akan sirna begitu saja,

Aku pernah bersedih kala bersamanya,
karena kutakut aku kan kehilangan dia suatu saat nanti dan......

Aku juga pernah tertawa saat berpisah dengannya,
karena sekali lagi,
cinta tak harus memiliki, dan
Tuhan pasti telah menyiapkan cinta yang lain untukku.

Aku tetap bisa mencintainya,
meski ia tak dapat kurengkuh dalam pelukanku,
karena memang cinta ada dalam jiwa,
dan bukan ada dalam raga.

Semua orang pasti pernah merasakan cinta..
baik dari orang tua... sahabat.. kekasih dan
akhirnya pasangan hidupnya.

Buat temenku yg sedang jatuh cinta.. selamat yah..
karena cinta itu sangat indah.
Semoga kalian selalu berbahagia.

Buat temanku yg sedang terluka !
karena cinta...
Hidup itu bagaikan roda yang terus berputar,
satu saat akan berada di bawah
dan hidup terasa begitu sulit,
tetapi keadaan itu tidak untuk selamanya,
bersabarlah dan berdoalah karena cinta yang lain
akan datang dan menghampirimu.

Buat temanku yang tidak percaya akan cinta...
buka hatimu jangan menutup mata akan keindahan yang ada di dunia,
maka cinta membuat hidupmu menjadi bahagia.

Buat temanku yang mendambakan cinta.. bersabarlah. .
karena cinta yang indah tidak terjadi dalam sekejap..
Tuhan sedang mempersiapkan segala yang terbaik bagimu.

Buat temanku yang mempermainkan cinta....
Sesuatu yang begitu murni dan tulus bukanlah untuk dipermainkan.
Cinta bukan suatu kehampaan.
Semoga kalian berhenti mempermainkan cinta
dan mulai merasakan kebahagiaan yang seutuhnya.

Think You've Had Enough? Not Necessarily...

This afternoon, Dr. McLandsborough asked me to do another rep of my 6-d fluorometry analysis. Honestly saying, that is the last thing I would want to hear among many other thing these last few days, I guess I have no choice but to do it. So when I actually believed that I've had enough of that instrument, unfortunately I was wrong.

The confocal imaging turned out nicely, fortunately this morning with Stephanie. She is pretty excited and she said that if someway along the way we are going to publish it, she would like a copy of it.

Yesterday Dr. Levin came up with the idea of using 'arbitrary number' as a way of normalizing my fluorometer data. I stayed until around 8.30 yesterday just to came up with the data and trying to figure it out. Boy, it took me a while to race back all the data and run the whole calculation. I mean quite a WHILE. Apparently it doesn't tell the story much like we wanted, so we sort of gave up on that. And it literally feels like 'arbitrary' to me.

So basically, I still have to run another fluorometry analysis next week, which is going to be 2 weeks before my defense date. How Iam going to do that and how I am going to pull through the next couple of weeks, I really don't have any idea. But at this moment, I feel like I've reached my breaking point, and my head is going to explode. I mean, LITERALLY. I believe it is only a matter of time now. And I surely hope that nobody is around when that happens.